Thursday, October 1, 2015
Bank Robbery News Story
By Seth Putman
For Jeff Naggler, a Supervisor at Chucktown Water Treatment Plant, it was a normal day. He was on his lunch break at Arbys talking to two other people when he noticed some strange activity across the street.
David Jefferson was spotted on November 8, by Jeff Maggler who was eating at Arbys, acting suspicious and loitering outside of the Union Credit Bank.
When Jeff saw David he said," He was holding a large box like one you would put flowers in." and that he thought david was bringing someone flowers. Jeff was confused about the situation when another man walked up to the bank and David quickly put down the box and pull out a shotgun.
Jeff thought they were pulling a stunt until the second guy, which was an undercover cop for Tamoon Police Department, pulled out a pistol and shot David three time and after David fell the officer got on top of him to keep him down until the backup police got there.
" The guy that shot the robber must have been a police officer or something right, or atleast justified some how because he's not getting arrested and he's standing next to the officer." said Jeff in his interview.
The second man ended up being an undercover agent Elliot Mess who was by the bank when the suspect walked up to the bank with the shotgun in the box. The under cover agent got suspended for fireing his weapon without caution for the civilians who were around the area and could have gotten hit by the gun shots.
"When the cops got there they handcuffed him and put him in the ambulence," said Jeff," They must have took him to the hospital because he looked really bad."
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Remember to start off your story with your summary lead, the most important thing first! Also, remember to check for spelling mistakes in your story, is it Jeff Naggler or Jeff Maggler?
ReplyDeleteFinally right here, "David Jefferson was spotted on November 8, by Jeff Maggler who was eating at Arbys, acting suspicious and loitering outside of the Union Credit Bank." It sounds like Jeff is the one eating at Arby's and acting suspicous, but he is just eating at Arby's while David is acting suspicious. You might rearrange that sentence to get rid of any possible confusion.
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ReplyDeleteI like how you told the story from the witness's perspective, but more details should have been added.
ReplyDeleteThe lead is one of, if not the most important part of a story. I also noticed a few times where it looked like you were just typing too fast. at least* an error in tense-past, present,future etc- like when you put "he quickly put down the box and pull out a shotgun" though this may have just been a spelling error. But otherwise good work. I found some information that I myself neglected to put into my post.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget your lead, and to check spelling mistakes
ReplyDeleteI think the people who commented on your story had really good suggestions. The best thing to do is go back and read them, then correct your story as necessary for a better grade.
ReplyDelete78/100